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Domestic Abuse Survival: Rediscovering Yourself

Updated: Apr 1

Hello again. It's been a while... again. I think at this point, I'm just going to let the chips fall where they may in terms of adding new content. To be honest, I don't really have a subscribers to answer to, so I can pretty much do things at my own pace.

That isn't to say that I haven't been busying myself with things to do. There are always tons of things to do.

What have I been doing, though? Rediscovering myself, before my toxic marriage inevitably fell apart.

What do I mean by rediscovering myself? As I've slowly managed to take the time to decompress and heal, I realized that I sacrificed a lot of my own personal identity in order to give a narcissist with an insatiable appetite the supply they were craving. I used to be a lot more quiet and reserved, and spend little time watching television and a lot more time reading books or studying random things.

Now that my narcissistic abuser has left me, I'm finding myself slowly but surely returning to the person I once was before I got married. I've been reading novels, studying Arabic, Hebrew and Swahili. I returned to church, and started studying the Bible again. I have friends again. I have a life that is becoming less and less dependent on the parasite that was sucking the joy out of my life.

While recovering from my abuse, there would be times where I could spend entire weekends just sitting in bed and staring at the wall, lost and without a sense of purpose. "What am I supposed to do with my life now that everything is even more fucked up than it already was?" I would say to myself. Sometimes, I would turn to alcohol, but it never really seemed to have been my thing. I quit drinking just as easily as I started drinking. Sure, I'm an incel now, but honestly, my sex life wasn't that drastically different when I was with my spouse as it is now.

After all the things I've had to endure in my life, I care less and less about what people think about me. I just do what I feel like doing, and as long as it isn't criminal or hurting anyone, I don't see why I can't. Days seem to pass a lot quicker, and while yes, there are still moments where I hate life, and I dread going into work after a long, hectic weekend with the kids, I noticed that time seems to pass much quicker now that the abuser in my life is gone. Will I ever be the same person I once was? Not entirely, I don't think. But I can improve, and I have been. Any progress in the right direction is a good thing, and remembering the things you used to enjoy and going back t o doing them can help a lot with that.

I may be a lot of things, but over the years, I have learned how to be a good student, so I find learning new things interesting, which is why I'm doing all of this stuff with languages. One of my crazy dreams when I was younger was to have a whole personal library filled with literature written in their original languages so that I could enjoy the text the way it was meant to be enjoyed, without any creative liberty from translators or extensive annotations and commentaries to explain things which are culturally lost in translation. Turns out that I am kind of decent at this language learning thing, so it may be more realistic than I originally thought to learn several languages and collect several foreign books in their original languages. I'm on my way.

Anyway, that's what I'm talking about. You are a unique individual, and if you search deep inside of yourself, you will find the person that you.r abuser made you forget when you were young and free. Strive to become that person again. Find fulfillment in the things you once enjoyed. Challenge yourself and take things to the next level. And with that, I think I am done for today. Good luck, anyone who is reading this.


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