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Domestic Abuse Survival: Learning to Trust Again

Hello everyone. I'm sure most of my readers (if I even have any anymore) thought that I have once again gone on one of my famous hiatuses again. But I can assure you that is not the case.

I can tell you that as a survivor of Narcissistic Abuse that I went through social withdrawal and started looking at the whole world around me with the greatest suspicion. It is usually at these moments where we learn who are real friends and family are, and who was pretending to care. I am not sure if I told you this, but my ex-wife had me falsely imprisoned, and since I am an introvert, and had no idea how the prison bail system works in the US, I quickly learned that people I thought I could trust let me down. I eventually ended up calling anyone and everyone I could think of calling and most people were too busy to help co-sign the bond I needed to post bail. Needless to say, my trust in fellow coworkers and colleagues significantly diminished after that experience.

It is moments like these where as a student when you attend mandatory student club meetings that when people say things like "we're all in this together", that only tends to be the case whenever it is convenient for them.

Where am I going at with this? People are going to let you down. To err is human, as the cliche goes. Being an individual with low self-esteem, I could see why they were unwilling to help me, but it was still disappointing, nonetheless.

Still, in spite of everything that went wrong, I consider myself fortunate simply due to the fact that this kind of harrowing experience allowed me to realize that I have friends and allies after all, some of which in unexpected places.

A male hiker helping a female hiker by offering her his hand for support.
When you experience something traumatic, find out who you can really trust.

A narcissist that is playing the long game with you will do whatever it takes to alienate you from family and friends, partly so that they can have you all to themselves so they can abuse you, and partly to ensure that you have no one you can depend on other than yourself when their schemes advance to the next stages.

What I am trying to say is don't let anyone take your friends away from you. If a specific individual is trying to do that to you, such as your girlfriend or spouse, that is not a good sign in most cases. I say most cases, because sometimes we make friends with people we shouldn't, so use your best judgment to see if this person that is trying to pull you away from your friends has your genuine best interest at heart, or if they might have ulterior motives to get you away from your friends and family.

When you experience a traumatic event, such as false imprisonment in my case, take note of the people who are actually there for you when you need help. These people are your real friends and family. Never forget that.

This is my own personal suggestion, but I think it is also important that you learn to forgive your abuser for your own sake, because the sooner you can forget about their existence, the sooner you can learn to love yourself again. When you can do that, not only can you see that you have intrinsic value as a human being, but you can learn to appreciate other people around you as well. When you can do that, you can learn to trust people again.

Don't misunderstand me. Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation. It means that you are able to bury the hatchet and put that person into your past, instead of constantly ruminating on them and allowing them to live rent-free in your brain. As I discussed in one of my previous posts, toxicity is a slow poison that corrupts the individual that is being targeted, as well as the source. Removing these people from your life (including in your head) and replacing them with healthy, positive influences can help you to remember that not all people are monsters and that most of humanity has at least some goodness inside of them. Contrary to the popular saying, "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer", I would suggest to you instead to "keep your friends close, and your family closer". Disregard your enemies. Don't even engage them. Try to treat them as if they don't exist as much as humanly possible. If your abuser is a narcissist, and you have the discipline to pull this off, it will eat away at their soul, if they even have one. Treat them as if they are already dead, and that you have forgotten they even exist. Indifference and apathy is the best way to deal with these people.

A confused man with question marks hovering over him.
If you want to get back at a narcissist, treating them as if you don't even recognize them anymore will shatter their fragile ego.

In any case, that's all for now. I hope this helps anyone that is struggling with trusting people, due to past relationships. Enjoy the rest of your day.


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